Keeping Score

Growing up, I was heavily involved in athletics and competing in a variety of different sports. As anyone who has this shared experience knows, we learn very early the difference between winning and losing. Whether it be coaches, parents, or some other individual, we learn very early on how to keep score and focus our attention on winning and losing. I witnessed this first hand when I was coaching my son's basketball teams when he was in elementary school. I made it a priority of mine to coach the boys with an emphasis on continuous improvement and love for the game, but that was lost almost immediately when they saw that they could earn medals if they won enough games. I saw their attitudes and demeanor change as they chased the prize that comes along with winning and I also witnessed how those attitudes often mimicked their parents. I'll admit, when the team started seeing some success, I also got caught up in the fray as well and my mind started drifting towards the win/loss column because I felt that it was a reflection of my coaching ability. It was only through a lot of reflection and soul searching that I discovered that misplacing our priorities and putting more emphasis on the score rather than the game itself is setting our young people up for a dangerous precedent later on in life. It is teaching them that as they get older and are no longer participating in the game, they need to continue to keep score so they can demonstrate that they are winners in every aspect of their lives and that losing is unacceptable and will carry with it the moniker of being a failure.

The reality of the situation is that not everyone can win all the time and those that seek that perfection are going to hit a wall the first time that they experience a little adversity. Outside of a game, keeping score has the potential to really harm relationships and other facets of our lives. If we are constantly trying one-up someone and get the upper hand so we can demonstrate dominance over them, are we really able to self-reflect and actually get better? The short answer is no. Keeping score is the surest way to misery and loneliness. More specifically, if we are always trying to stay one point ahead of someone we can't really learn to appreciate our own failures and learn from them because we are too focused on what everyone else is doing.

It's taken me a long time to try to put this idea into words and the best that I could come up with is that we are all losers in some way, shape, or form. Some of us are more willing than others to admit it, while others stuff it way down inside because they fear that admitting it will somehow be a scarlet letter that others will use against them later on. When we ultimately decide to let this fear go and embrace the fact that no one is perfect, we can finally see the world for what it is. We are all a bunch of fallible beings who are doing the best we can with the cards that have been dealt to us. Unfortunately, if we don't get this figured out, we will continue to keep score and make our own lives miserable along with those around us. 

Misery loves company and you can tell if you look around a little bit. Scorekeepers tend to huddle together and scheme of ways that they can gain the upper hand. If you want to see some real fireworks, observe two scorekeepers going at it head to head. It will surely lead to wonderful theatrics, but it will reap havoc on the organization because it will entice people to pick sides. In this scenario, everyone loses and a toxic culture is sure to follow. The lesser evil is not feeding into the behavior and disengaging from score keeping. Sure, it may not give you the fireworks, but everyone around you will be better for it because you are placing relationships before your desire to win.

Ultimately, to continue with the sports analogy, the ball isn't always going to bounce our way. When this happens, we each have a choice in whether we are going to accept it or if we are going to seek redemption. We need to be mindful, however, that our choice does have an impact on those around us and the culture that we value. For me, I'm making a concerted effort to end the game and move on to the next. How about you?

GAME ON!

#Onward