Owning Up

The other day, my bride of 22 years and I were going back and forth about something I said. I don’t like calling it an argument, because after 22 years of marriage, it is more of a strongly worded conversation. In typical fashion, I dug in and was not going to give up even though my bride kept telling me it wasn’t a competition. For me, that is easier said than done because in most instances, I make everything a competition and I’ll do everything I can to win because as the old adage goes, “to the victor belong the spoils.” The problem is that in circumstances like this, the spoils are hurt feelings and long periods of silence. That is one heckuva trophy to haul in because I don’t want to own up.

Bruce Lee once said, “Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” While Bruce Lee is right on point with this statement, the problem is that admitting fault is difficult because everyone wants to maintain the higher ground and not give any impression that they are wrong. This stubbornness is a human condition that we all suffer from. Some of us, however, are better than others at letting go and opening our minds to the possibility that we are wrong. For me, I am a work in progress and am learning each and every day that owning up is the clearest way to better relationships and leading people. Failing to own up in meaningful ways will lead to nothing other than distrust and a house of cards culture that could collapse at any time. If we know this, the question then becomes why are we adamant about fighting it? The answer lies in pride and humility and the fact that we don’t want to give anyone any ammunition that they could use against us in the future to attack our character and integrity. We view owning up as a weakness that people will take advantage of.

I’ve always tried to practice the rule of assuming positive intent and believing that people don’t have ulterior motives for the things they do. Unfortunately, I have been burned multiple times and every time this happens, I put another wall up to guard against it from happening again. With each wall that gets constructed, the ability to own up to mistakes becomes greater because I don’t want to create any weaknesses in my armor. It is all about protection and self preservation. The problem in doing this is that, over time, we become so entrenched in the belief that we are always right that we lose the ability to take a different perspective. The danger of this in an organization is that if the majority of the people in your organization take on this mentality, disaster is right around the corner. If this sounds all too familiar, the best way to put an end to it is to start with yourself and begin to own up to the fact that there is the possibility that you are wrong and accepting it.

Owning up is never easy. It makes you vulnerable and it doesn’t feel good to admit that you were wrong. It is, however, the only way to build trust and a culture of belonging. People don’t quit organizations, they quit people and more times than not, it is because there is a rampant culture of blaming and deflection where no one wants to take responsibility. As leaders, it starts with us to stop this trend and start modeling it towards the people we are charged to lead. The first step is always the hardest, but it is necessary for growth.

Excuse me while I practice what I preach and go tell my bride that she was right and I was wrong. It has become an all too familiar conversation, but I’m really not interested in collecting a trophy that no one wants.

#OwnYourEpic #embrace