The Power of CHOICE

When my children were very young, my wife asked me to attend a parenting class with her. I remember very vividly that I told her we didn't need to attend a parenting class because we were teachers and we knew how to work with kids. Additionally, I told her that because we came from solid families and that we grew up to become positive and productive adults, we really didn't need that type of class. She persisted and, begrudgingly, I agreed to attend because of the cardinal principle of marriage which states, "Happy wife, happy life."

When we walked into that parenting class for the first time, I was positive that I wasn't going to learn anything because I was a teacher and I knew how to work with kids. I had grown up with two loving and supportive parents and I turned out okay, so if I just followed the blueprint they gave me, my kids would be just fine as well. Let's just say that I was exhibiting a growth mindset. Two hours later...I was still unconvinced, but again, I wanted my wife to be happy, so I decided I would give it a try. The parenting class followed the principles of Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline, M.D., a child psychiatrist, and Jim Fay an educator of nearly thirty years. One of the big lessons from that particular class was not overreacting and getting angry with children when they exhibit undesirable behaviors, but rather, remaining calm, giving your child and yourself time and space to de-escalate, and then giving them choices to resolve the issue. This was a foreign concept to me because this was not how I was raised and I was sure that it wasn't going to work. On the way home from that class, I told my wife that there was no way I was going to do this, however, she pleaded with me to try it out, so I committed to giving it a try. 

It didn't take long for my first test to present itself because when we arrived at home, my then elementary-aged daughter exhibited some undesirable behaviors. Every fiber in my body told me to raise my voice and make immediate demands to follow my rules, but I made the choice to try out the training I received and said very calmly, "That is such a bummer that you are so angry right now. Maybe you should go to your room and calm down a bit. When you are ready, you can come back out and we can discuss how we are going to move on." She complied and went to her room, but came out a few seconds later still escalated. I responded by telling her the same thing I had said before. She yelled at me some more and I simply responded with, "Bummer." After my third or fourth bummer comment, she screamed, "STOP SAYING THAT!" and stormed off to her room. At this point, I was so fired up and ready to scream myself. Instead, I sat quietly and de-escalated myself. Once this was done, I began thinking of the two choices I was going to give her when she came out of her room. My training told me that I needed to be okay with both of choices I offered up to her and I needed to remain calm when giving them to her. After about 10-minutes, she finally came out of her room and sat next to me. We had a really good talk where I listened to her share her feelings about what had happened and then I offered her two choices to resolve the issue. She wasn't too keen about either one, but she chose the one she thought was best and then we moved on. Over the course of the next few months, I had multiple opportunities to hone in and reflect on the different practices that worked with my daughter when she exhibited undesirable behaviors. I tried different strategies and developed an arsenal of choices that I could present when behaviors popped up. The relationship with her was strengthened because she was able to exercise choice and my first response was reflection rather than anger.

What I discovered through this process was that I was rewiring my brain to respond differently to negative situations. I was breaking the habit of reacting to situations in a negative manner and it began creeping into my work life. I began to realize that I had the power of choice when it came to responding to situations that impacted me. I could choose to immediately get fired up and say things that I would regret later or I could choose to stop, reflect, and think about how my response might impact those around me. I realized that I didn't need to make every issue a battle to fight because the only people who are going to suffer are the people that I worked with and the emotional wake that is created by engaging in these battles rock everyone in the organization.

Indeed, the power of choice is very real if you choose to exercise it. I made the choice to become a better father and a better colleague because I wanted to strengthen the relationships within my family and with my co-workers. I was challenged to try a different path and committed myself to the process in spite of my own reluctance to do so and that has made all the difference in the world for me.

As usual, my wife was right the entire time.